Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
