I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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