So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
