put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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