you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
