so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
