just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
