I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
