he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
this boner is exhausting
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize