Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
4 words: hood of his car
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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