1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
