the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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