I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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