Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
