Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize