Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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