fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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