You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize