I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
