Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize