So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
