Swine flu. Run for my life!
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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