im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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