Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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