Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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