i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
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