In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
