now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
