apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
