I accidentally had phone sex last night
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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