Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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