Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
