Got a toothbrush?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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