where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize