my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
