All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
