Umm I'm too high to move.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
