So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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