The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
