oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
