I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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