Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
