good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
