I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
