how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
