just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
