What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Too much gin, very little bucket
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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