got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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