did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
