im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
