so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize