Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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