Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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