id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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