alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
