Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
