Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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