right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
