if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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