My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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