I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
