I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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