i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
